There are many situations in our working life that have the potential to damage relationships with colleagues and managers and it takes emotional honesty to confront them.
Disagreements are inevitable especially where individuals are ambitious and want the best for the business and its goals. There are often many solutions to problems and teams need to learn how to share differing ideas without disagreements being seen as confrontation and in particular avoiding individuals being afraid of others in such a way that they don’t contribute.
Team decision making doesn’t necessarily mean agreement but is should be positive, especially when the team is needed to implement the decision. Sophisticated teams may explore decision making as a form of idea meritocracy by considering the knowledge and expertise of each contributor rather than team democracy where everyone is equal, or worse, where overconfident individuals, bullies or HiPPOs (Highest Paid Person’s Opinion) make the decisions.
Conflicts at work are often rooted in a lack of respect among colleagues. Conflicts are different to disagreements and can make the atmosphere toxic leading ultimately to bullying and other serious issues that damage a team’s ability to work together.
Another area of discomfort is giving feedback on someone’s behaviour or during an appraisal when the appraisee is under-performing. The intention is normally to invite a change in behaviour that leads to a positive outcome. But receiving such messages can promote rejection of the message or even anger hence the need to deliver such messages with both honesty and with emotional understanding.
Dealing with disagreements, a loss of respect and giving feedback all require a level of emotional honesty to confront the issue in a sympathetic way. In addition to individuals learning how to deal with difficult messages the culture of the company is also important. Culture can help avoid individuals being defensive and feeling victimised by removing blame and promoting honest engagement such that everyone moves on after the decision has been made or after a matter has been dealt with.
In an ideal world everyone at work respects each other and values the contributions of others. However, we all have quirks of character and mannerisms that can grate, which is why we need a level of emotional honesty to both acknowledge this to ourselves and to others. This acknowledgement allows us to be constructive when confronting issues. The key is to actively listen and seek to understand others and avoid letting our own emotion get in the way.
If it is necessary to resolve a problem with a colleague or manager, the first step is to remind ourselves and them of their good points and qualities and to start with these at the opening of any discussion.
Emotion should be firmly kept out of the discussion. Expressing anger or frustration makes it hard to really hear the feedback being given. So, an essential element when dealing with disagreement or a loss of respect is to maintain courtesy.
Equally, aggression, both active and passive, during a confrontation gets in the way by becoming a form of bullying; even disengaging from a difficult situation can be done in a way that is construed as emotional bullying when one party gives in or walks away without resolving the underlying issue. This is often how family members deal with conflict and is seen at work when people don’t know how to deal with issues.
It can be effective to establish a connection by sharing a situation where you may have made a similar mistake and not talking down to the person on the receiving end.
Humour and displacement topics can be useful tools for lightening the mood or changing the topic when dealing with awkward situations but it is often necessary to get back to resolving serious issues as burying them tends to fuel resentment.
It is important to remember, too, that people have personal lives outside of work and their circumstances may be a contributing factor where they may be concealing a personal or family situation that is affecting their behaviour or performance at work.
It is not unusual for people to keep outside problems to themselves, believing they have to conform, to be “professional” or to fit in with a so-called “macho” culture.
Whatever the situation or problem, time should be allowed for the person on the receiving end to digest and think about what has been said.
When on the receiving end we need to listen, take notes if necessary and may need time to consider the points made before responding.
Emotional honesty rather than confrontation is the best way to resolve workplace problems. Feedback should be constructive and dealing with disagreements and conflicts should be done in a way that looks for a positive outcomes.
Respect for others is key and if maintained then everyone can benefit from the experience.
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